Accepting That I am Never Getting Closure

I broke no contact today. I feel slightly ashamed, but he’s back to ghosting me so I don’t feel nearly as bad as I would have had he actually responded.

I want to write back and tell him it’s unfair that he won’t talk to me when I’m strong. That he won’t let me tell him exactly what he did and that IT WAS ABUSE and he does owe me an apology.

But that’s the whole point, he knows my mind is clear enough to see the truth and he doesn’t want me pointing it out to him.

My goal now is to be strong and healthy enough that I don’t want to tell him anymore. That I can let go and move forward and never look back. Never revisit that pain and never ever open the door again.

I don’t need him to acknowledge or accept what he did. I know the truth, and that’s enough.

What I Want to Say to Him

You want to know how it’s going here? Of course you don’t. I’m dealing with coming to terms with the lie that was my life the past however many years.

That I made myself damn near invisible to try and make you happy. You think I didn’t support you, the every day didn’t matter that it was the big things. It’s all a lie. The silent punishments, the mockery, the putting me down, telling me what I wasn’t.

When you knew you had pushed me as far as I could go you would give me affection, some sense of forgiveness and loving words. I didn’t need to be forgiven because I wasn’t doing anything wrong to begin with.

I was reacting like a normal human being who was silly enough to think she could love a narcissist and teach him to do the same. I know these words are wasted. I know you will never comprehend how much I loved you or how much of myself I buried to try and make you happy.

I really convinced myself that underneath the coldness the real you was the sweet vulnerable man and that one day he would come out to stay.

You married me because you hoped it would “make me cut you some slack when I thought you were being disagreeable” – I married you because I thought we were done playing games and you were finally willing to be a husband. A partner. A friend. To actually love ME. Not some shell of a person you thought I should be.

I married you because I wanted to build a life and family with you and live out the rest of my life with you. I married you because I loved you. I should have at least gotten the same.