I saw him yesterday… I made a joke while talking to K, telling her my no contact calendar has become a mess. She immediately jumped to defend me, telling me it wasn’t my fault I saw him, that it didn’t “count”. It counted.
The truth is I knew there was a chance I was going to see him, I made the conscious decision to put on makeup and curl my hair, change out of my yoga pants and sports bra and put actual clothes on. I knew, I even hoped, that I was going to see him.
This process is not a contest with him. I know K was excusing my behavior because she loves me – but if I’m not going to be honest and hold myself accountable there’s no point in any of this. THIS IS NOT ABOUT HIM. This is about ME.
About me healing my heart, facing my core wounds, becoming strong and loving myself unconditionally so that I never allow anyone to hurt me again. Side note here, I can’t actually prevent myself from ever getting hurt again – but I can prevent allowing myself to be hurt on a regular basis by a man I devote myself to.
I will not fool myself, I will not lie to myself. I will forgive myself, I will love myself. I will be true to myself. I deserve that, we all deserve that.