I am listening to the audiobook The Betrayal Bond by Patrick J. Carnes, PhD. It’s a hard book to listen to (or read), it delves deep into the darkness of what we humans are actually capable of. I have had to pause it often, I can’t listen to it just before bed or I’ll have nightmares. It is a triggering piece of work. Be it a necessary evil of sorts.
I may dare to blame my current migraine on this book. While half of my brain is trying to process what I am hearing, the other half is thinking about reaching out to my own abuser. That is the sickness we are talking about. The link between the afflicted and the afflicter, the desperate bond that leads us to seek comfort from the one who created the need for comfort!
I was always a very insightful person, even as a child. I contribute this to the same protective self that creates the Empath, not only did I need to understand those around me but I needed to understand my feelings. I needed to create my own form of manipulation to protect myself. Point being, I always realized the “why” of my behaviors, what I did not understand was “how” to correct them. How to stop reacting, how to stop letting the pain and fear run my life.
I’ve gotten better, I can sit with my feelings now. I can soothe my inner child, and send my outer child to the corner. I can stop myself from reacting. Now what I want to know is how do I break this bond?
I can stop myself from reaching out, but how do I stop myself from wanting to reach out?
My inner child seeks the loving him, the him that would hug me and stroke my hair. The truth is I never saw that him when I actually asked for comfort. Where was he when I said please just tell me you love me, please say you aren’t leaving me??? He was nowhere to be found. What he would say, time and time again, is “this is addict behavior and I will not reinforce it”.
Actually, no asshole, this is the behavior of someone who is scared and abused and seeking love.
The funny thing about this statement is that I’m not nor ever have been an “addict”, he however is a recovering addict.