I have to give myself a moment to grieve. To grieve the loss of something that was never real. Ironic. Isn’t that how this all started? I thought Robert was someone he wasn’t, I thought our life was something it wasn’t… and now here I am missing Mr. Nice Guy, who honestly just never was …
I feel calm, still, at peace. I had breathwork today and I think this was a very remarkable turning point. Not that anything extraordinary happened, except that it did. We were discussing patience. Patience… The art of doing nothing but sitting back and allowing things to just be. In the past, that would cause me …
Here I sit trying to figure out what the Universe wants from me. The scary part is I think I know. It wants me to give the love I’ve always shared with others to myself, it wants me to learn patience and… the art of not doing. After all of these years I still need …
I hurt. I had an appointment at the dentist that went down the dark tunnel of torture. My face went from completely numb to numb and throbbing. I want someone to care. I want someone to rub my back and kiss my forehead and make that noise that people make when they love someone and …
I don’t know why the Universe decided I actually had to like him. Maybe I just needed a trial, to be forced to stand up for my worth. I don’t fucking know. I know it hurts my feelings. Better now than later. I deserve so much more. Right now I just need to sit with …
They say being alone is okay. That we have everything we need within ourselves to feel joy, bliss… we don’t need another person to make us complete. I’ve always struggled with this. I wasn’t able to see the point of living if you didn’t have someone to share it with. I finally get it. It …
After a lifetime of conditioning I still want a romantic partner. When I can’t find one to suite my needs I try to create him. I give credit where it isn’t due, I overlook flaws and make excuses… screw that. I’m tired of feeling like I’m chasing someone. I am worth more, I am actually …
Yesterday I reacted poorly, and was unnecessarily defensive. It pisses me off. It pisses me off that what he did is still affecting me. That thanks to his damage I am now less than. Less than kind, less than trusting, less than I was. Less alive. It’s not about the other man, it’s about me. …
M called me earlier and asked how it was going with Mr. Nice Guy, I told her I hadn’t talked to him since yesterday when he just dipped again… she said, you need to speak your truth, even if he’s just your friend you would tell me if I did something that bothered you. Okay …
What a wild ride this week has been… It feels like this is the first chance I’ve had to sit still, much less write. A lot has been going on, my youngest daughter and her family have had to move in due to covid related nonsense. I love having them here, the energy is good, …