beach, model, ocean


M called me earlier and asked how it was going with Mr. Nice Guy, I told her I hadn’t talked to him since yesterday when he just dipped again… she said, you need to speak your truth, even if he’s just your friend you would tell me if I did something that bothered you. Okay M, yes that’s true, however, I also wouldn’t have my feelings hurt if you didn’t reply to me right away, I would know you are busy and you’d get back to me. Right? In healthy friendships we don’t get mad if our friends are busy. We know they have lives just like we expect them to be understanding when we’re tied up. But it’s different when it’s a romantic entanglement. Yes, I expect to hear from “my person” every damn day. I expect a good morning, a good night, a how’s your day been, I expect to be SPECIAL.  

But he’s not “my person”, he’s just a person that I happen to think of often throughout the day. Who knows, maybe he hasn’t even thought of me today. Who fucking knows. Here’s what I do know. I know that even though I’m thinking about him, and it bugs me, it’s not consuming. It’s not preventing me from meeting my responsibilities or laughing or just having a damn fine day. It’s not dysfunctional, it’s not abusive, it’s not pain inducing. It’s just life. It’s just a guy I may or may not develop something with. I mean when he’s around it’s nice, when he’s not, it’s okay. I am enjoying my life. I don’t feel worthless, or void of anything. My days are full, my heart is happy, I don’t have any real complaints. I laugh. A lot. 

I’ve been listening to the newest audiobook in the “The Secret” series. This one is “The Greatest Secret”… I know it sounds silly, like wasn’t that first thing supposed to be the secret?? Like how many freaking secrets are there?!!! While acknowledging how funny it seems, I have to admit I’ve learned something from each book. I need to listen to this one again because I often listen while falling asleep so I miss a good bit, but what I have heard has really opened my eyes to some things. And, I have felt happier. She says something in the book about not needing to gain anything to be happy, it’s that we have to lose somethings. Attachments, beliefs, we have to make our world bigger, how can abundance find us in a box?