I am waiting on my date. This is the first date I’ve gone on since throwing my narcissistic husband out. The poor guy (who happens to be running late) has no idea what a big deal this is to me.
It is such a big deal.
I forced this interaction, I had to. I was becoming comfortable hiding away from the world. Ready to give up on ever allowing anyone else into my life again.
So here I sit, alone, waiting on this poor “nice guy” who has no idea what he’s putting me through. I could leave now and just never talk to him again. I could be at home in my yoga pants and braless instead of feeling trapped behind all of this makeup.
He has no idea how tortured I feel.
I don’t know how to date. I’ve never done “normal”. I know some people will say there’s no such thing, but there is a spectrum, and I’ve never come close. I’m going to though. I’m going to be confident and have boundaries and just enjoy my experiences as they come – for the first time ever.
It’s a new day.
I was writing out those thoughts while sitting out on the patio waiting on my date. Some days I really do feel like my life is a sitcom. He showed up, he appeared overwhelmed, and like the day just didn’t work out as he had planned. Neither of us realized there is still a curfew in place due to COVID. We had 9 minutes until closing. Please laugh because I am.
We called around, tried to find someplace that was open but it just wasn’t meant to be. I laughed and he walked me to my car, I told him we would try again some other time. I hugged him goodbye, and then he went in for the kiss… seriously, a 9-minute date and you go in for the kiss?!!! I’ll never understand men. I did kiss him back though, it was nice… but I gave him the hand to the chest after a minute or two. I let him know he was going to have to show up on time and buy me dinner before there would be any of that, haha.
I got in my car and drove around the corner before I burst into laughter. It felt good to laugh. It felt good to feel attractive, wanted. I honestly have been so insecure and my confidence was completely depleted. I needed that kiss. I am glad it was from someone that I do feel safe with. I don’t know if we’ll go out again or not, and that’s perfectly okay. I made a move forward and I am so proud of myself.