God it Hurts

I reached out yesterday… no response as expected. I just told him I hope he got settled okay, and then felt ashamed of myself immediately and throughout the night. I woke up this morning and wiped all of his contact info from my phone. Of course his email address is burned into my mind but his number is new and I have no clue what it is, thankfully.

I had a hundred excuses not to delete it but this current humiliation pushed me to cut the cord.

I have tears running down my face as I sit here, my heart still freshly broken. Maybe he loved me as best he could, maybe he never loved me at all, maybe he’s not even capable of love. Whatever the case, I did love him. I loved him with all of my heart and soul and it nearly killed me. I have to allow myself to grieve that loss. Even if he doesn’t understand what it is to be a husband, I was his wife, and that meant a tremendous amount to me. Right now, in this moment that’s what matters. I lost something, and it hurts and I need to heal. I need to put all of that love and energy into Me.