I am Struggling Today

I messed up. I texted him happy birthday last night. He just replied with a “Thanks, Sharon”… but that was enough to get my mind reeling. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Sure, I had a ton of reasons I used to convince myself not only that it was okay to text him but that it was the decent thing to do. Seriously? He surely didn’t give a damn about me having a happy birthday back when he ghosted me for four straight months. We weren’t married then, I guess this is “wife guilt”. Sure. As if he even knows what a husband is supposed to be.

What happened to being honest with myself? What is it I miss? He didn’t make me feel very good about myself, he didn’t make me feel safe or loved very often. He did make me feel shame, like I was a bother, like I was “less than”, like I was just being tolerated in my own home.

Why would I possibly want that back in my life? It is not okay for him to only treat me with love when he feels like it. I am his wife, not a stranger. It’s not okay to devalue and discard me. I am worth being better for. I am worth him taking his angry, controlling self to therapy and learning how to be a partner, to be loving and caring all of the time.

I am a good, loyal, faithful woman who never asked for anything other than the same in return. He doesn’t deserve me.

Trauma Bond

They say the trauma bond is so mentally fucked it makes the abused want to be comforted by the abuser. That’s exactly what my inner abandoned child is screaming for. She wants him back. She wants him to tell her that he loves her and he’s sorry and he’ll never leave her again. She wants to cling to him just like she used to wrap herself around my father’s leg and just hold on for dear life. Why? Why after a lifetime of this shit did I have to vow to love this fucking monster?

I know he has the ability to be kind, to be loving. If he didn’t I never would have fallen in love with him, I never would have thought I could teach him to trust and be a family man, to accept love. What a fool I was. It’s not that he can’t, it’s not that he doesn’t know his behavior is hurtful and damaging, it’s that he doesn’t give a damn. This is his world and I was just allowed to be in it while I was serving a purpose. He doesn’t have a clue that anyone or thing matters outside of himself, and he doesn’t want to.