under water, fashion, woman

Liberated

What a wild ride this week has been… It feels like this is the first chance I’ve had to sit still, much less write. A lot has been going on, my youngest daughter and her family have had to move in due to covid related nonsense. I love having them here, the energy is good, but it’s cramped, we’re on top of each other and stress is high among the womenfolk, all of us being used to having dominion over our own domain. We are learning to share, to create boundaries, and also to come together. Cooking, eating, it’s a time to gather and listen to the children. The small things, like feeding the baby, are a joy. When I was my daughter’s age and overwhelmed with motherhood (as she is now), I couldn’t enjoy those things, I didn’t know that those were moments to be enjoyed. They just felt like chores. It is so true that so much is wasted on the young. 

So my grandma shoes are full, my work life is hectic, trying to run businesses, to code, to get things back on track… stressful. My space has been turned upside down, if I don’t actually get to create something soon I may meltdown. I have to get my area in order, I need to be creating by this weekend, no excuses. I am maintaining my friendships, making time to talk to all of my girlies, even though it’s not as often or as long as I would like, and K is definitely not getting the amount of time we generally spend. I’m still making effort, I’m not isolating. I am starting a sister circle next month and at least one night a month we will come together and learn, lean, love. It’s so important. 

Men… because they just always exist, right? I’m still talking to Mr. Nice Guy, he’s a difficult one. I really truly like him, he says things that touch my heart, like the other day he asked “What was the best part of your day?”… I mean that’s the type of thing I ask people, not something they ever ask me. It’s nice to feel like he cares, but then he disappears. We’ll talk every day, and then poof, he’ll just stop conversing. I generally hear from him the next day, but sometimes not for a day or two, no longer than two days. Not anymore, for sure in the beginning but not now, we’ve actually been talking for three months now, I wonder if he even realizes that. I don’t even know if he’s still talking to that other chick, I never ask. I want to believe he’s the sort of man who is better than that, who wouldn’t lead two women on at once. I do believe he is a good man. I was telling him about decorating and creating a winter wonderland for the grandlittles, I said there’s still a magick ingredient missing… so help me gods, he responded “Glitter. You need glitter.” and at that moment, my heart fired a spark that warmed me straight from my toes to my eyes and I adored him. I told him that, that at that moment I fell into complete adoration. Deep sigh… what to do?

I said “men” didn’t I? As in more than one, so… when I met Eddie and Robert they had another roommate, one of Eddie’s two best friends, a man he considered to be his brother, David. Never, in a million years, has there ever been any type of anything between he and I, other than friendship and many times animosity. He’s currently going through a difficult divorce and he’s hurting, my daughter has been checking in with him and I’ve been reaching out here and there over social media. Never anything more than hey, we’re here, we’re still your family. So why oh freaking why did he send me a message saying “let’s do this”… and before you say I’m reading too much into that, I asked him to clarify and explain exactly what he meant by that. And he did, and he did again the next day. I do not want to hurt his feelings, but I am not entertaining this idea at all. I hope the Universe is having a good laugh, I know Eddie is out in the other, some where between laughing his ass off and wanting to kill David. A part of me does want Rob to know, just because it would piss him off, and that thought kind of makes me laugh these days. More so though, I’m enjoying the peace I’ve had lately, I can get through days without even thinking of him, and it is so liberating.