grimace, funny, expression

Men… Blah.

I’ve always liked boys… no, I mean really, really liked them. I think most of us hit a boy crazy period during adolescence but mine started wayyyyyy earlier and has lasted till this day. 

That being said, I’ve also always really disliked them. What?! That doesn’t make sense. Hear me out. I believe my fascination with boys began because I was surrounded by them growing up. My mother had a ton of brothers not much older than me and then later I got my very own brother, and honestly I just always thought they got to do way cooler stuff. 

They had tools, bikes, cars, records, a bunch of things I was not allowed to have. I remember sitting in the living room with the Boy Scout handbook practicing knots. My father asked what I was doing and I told him I was practicing for when I became a boy scout… he broke the news to me and I’ve never been the same. 

Stupid boys. 

I asked K a question earlier and she said the coolest thing…

“Because we’re women, if we’re not thinking with our head it’s because we’re thinking with our heart.” 

The question was why is it that men can just say whatever and go along with their lives without a care? Fuck, I say something and don’t get a response and I’m over here either embarrassed, worried, assuming I said something crazy or offensive. Men on the other hand can say something ridiculous and so straightforward and not even blink an eye. How does that happen? According to K it’s because they think with their penises, I’m sure she’s right, she’s always been smart about these things.
I didn’t want to “like” anyone, not for a while anyway. But here I am, insecure and ridiculous, liking a guy who I can’t read at all and it’s preoccupying. So now I’m in “I’m just going to go over here to mind my business and pretend he doesn’t exist” mode. Yeah that always works out well. 

So why do I even like this guy? Because he’s smart, he’s funny, he’s tall and cute with pretty eyes, and I don’t even like blue eyes typically, but I like his. They kind of bug out of his head and for some reason I dig that. I like that he can just say stuff and be blatant and make me blush. I like him, and honestly, that has kept me up a few nights this week.

So what’s the problem you ask… the problem(s) are a plenty. One, I am way older than this guy. I don’t even know his exact age because I’m afraid to ask. In the low to mid 30s is my guess. Well age is just a number you say! Wrong, age is experiences, age is starting a family and building your own life. So what, I like him it turns into a thing and then what, he leaves me for someone younger? He resents me for lost opportunities? No thank you. 

AND… there’s someone else. I don’t know anything about her, I haven’t asked and I won’t, I don’t want to know. He’s never met her, it’s an online thing, otherwise, I just wouldn’t even talk to him at all anymore. One thing you will learn about me is I do not condone cheating, not in any form, and yes, that includes me having conversations with a committed man. No, no, no.

There is a part of me that thinks, but what if… then I stop myself. I don’t know Sharon, what if you deal with reality and remember that he has not expressed wanting any type of anything with you, well I mean some sexy talk… but no plans of seeing me or wanting to be in my company. Hell he didn’t even respond to the last message I sent him. 

Yeah, I’m just going to stay over here in my corner and focus on the other aspects of my life. I truly don’t need any further disappointment right now. 

*Update – he messaged me later that night. Ugh.