heart, roses, miss

Not Mine to Miss

I have to give myself a moment to grieve. To grieve the loss of something that was never real. Ironic. Isn’t that how this all started? I thought Robert was someone he wasn’t, I thought our life was something it wasn’t… and now here I am missing Mr. Nice Guy, who honestly just never was anything. 

I wanted him to be, but he wasn’t. 

I deserve someone who actively wants to be in my life. Who cares about how my day went. Who fucking sends me flowers and apologizes when he’s hours late!!! I started out wrong, I started out making excuses for him because he was a “nice guy”. Here’s a clue, if a guy tells you he’s a nice guy, he’s not. 

So what was he? A safe lesson. A lesson that I need to not give myself away, not share intimate parts of who I am, spiritually, emotionally, or physically just because I feel a connection. A connection has to be proven and tested from both ends. And this just wasn’t that. 

I do want to acknowledge that he’s not a bad guy, he’s just a guy. He’s young, emotionally more so than chronologically but so what, lucky him. He gave a little here and there, shared a little, encouraged a little… I need to be treated like the amazing woman that I am, and that is going to take more than just “a little”. 

He was never mine, yet I miss him nonetheless.