On Fire!

I’m on Fire – The World’s on Fire!

That SOB. Half of our state and the two states below us are on fire, do you think he has bothered to even check on DD2 or the baby? Of course not. Because he is a self-centered narcissistic trash bin of a human. I am disgusted, not only by him but by myself. I am disgusted with myself that I would choose to spend so much time and energy on some pathetic sack of nothingness. Fine, don’t care about me, you never have unless it suited you. But stop mistreating my child and my grandchild.

I was talking to K and we were looking at a map of the fires and I was telling her how terrible it is, it’s to the point now that you can smell the burning from inside the house. We started talking about our first husbands (both deceased now) and that no matter what they would have always been here for us and our children in a time of need. If Eddie was still alive it wouldn’t matter how far away he was, he would be on his way here. He would need to KNOW we were safe. Robert? No.

What I get from being married to Robert is waking up to his sister texting me this morning because she wanted to know what size he wears because she wanted to get him something for his birthday… then when I didn’t respond to her she sent me a short “nvm, have a nice day”. Excuse me? I was sleeping, so sorry not to jump for you. Today, the anniversary of Eddie’s death, the accident that changed all of our lives forever. Forgive me, for not getting back to you right away. You who have been known to completely ignore a text from me, who has told me she was on her way and then just never showed up. Or, showed up unannounced like it’s completely okay to assume I want company right now. Have I mentioned I hate that?

I’m so sick of people.

I try, I really do, I want to be above it all. My reply included that I had sent him something for his birthday (because I’m an idiot) but that I didn’t know if he received it since he’s not speaking to me. Do you think at any point since we split up she has asked how I am dealing with the breakup of my marriage? How the kids are handling it? Nope. I’m trying not to be petty, not to be resentful to just be above it, but damn it is hard. I want my self respect back. I want to let people know I’m not a fucking doormat. Being nice doesn’t mean I’m stupid! I’ve seen all the bullshit, the manipulation, the ways in which you’ve used me. I allowed it, yes, I was stupid in that I allowed it. But stop fucking thinking you were actually fooling me! There, that’s my emotional rant.

Now let’s break it down to a therapeutic level. I’m not stupid nor am I an idiot. I’m a nice person who has had her kindness taken advantage of. I don’t need to speak negatively of myself, that’s what he was for and he’s gone now so I’m going to let those habits go with him. I don’t need to compare his actions to Eddie’s, because there is no comparison. He could never in a million years be the man that Eddie was. I didn’t send him a birthday present out of desperation, I sent it out of pity. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if anyone would do anything for him, I’m glad his family is. I don’t need him to care about my daughter or granddaughter, we are all better off without him.