girl in bed, breakfast in bed, girl with cereal bowl

Sick and Alone

I am a terrible person when I’m in any sort of pain. I don’t mean to be, I am just emotional when I’m sick and defensive when I hurt, and when I have a sinus infection I am both. So here I sit, at 4 pm in the dark, watching old Tyler Perry movies while I reflect on the truth of the last five years. 

He was mean, selfish, inhumane. I loved him. I cared for him, I did everything in my power to make him comfortable and always let him know he was appreciated and loved. He did everything in his power to make sure I didn’t feel any sense of security. I begged him for it. 

I’m thinking about it now, thinking that I want nothing more then to have my back rubbed and to just feel cared for. To feel like Eddie used to make me feel. 

I remember every time I was sick in bed and I would hear the door open when Rob came home from work, I would feel a little excitement for some company. Being sick has always made me feel so lonely. Rob knew this, he knew it because I told him, over and over and asked if he couldn’t just sit on the edge of the bed and tell me about his day. He couldn’t, some times he would ask if I was okay, once he kissed my head. But every time he shut the door and left me alone in the dark, even when I asked him to please just leave the door open. 

Fuck him. Light’s on. Door’s open. 

I may be sick, I may still feel lonely and emotional. But at least I don’t have to be disappointed on top of it.