birds flying over anonymous woman admiring wavy sea from rocky shore

Still Reacting

I think it’s over, I think I’ve finally stopped reacting and then something else happens. I found myself in a situation last week where I could have really gotten hurt. It took a few days but I realized why, I was reacting to something I saw on social media. I looked at something I should not have. I took a peek into his world, hoping to see some sign that he was “awake” and what I saw made me feel sick. It made me feel violated, like I was looking at a stranger, a stranger who had seen the most vulnerable,  private, intimate parts of me. 

I do not say this lightly, I have had this experience to compare it to, I can honestly say that I felt like I had been raped. Body, mind and spirit. I felt like this stranger had violated me in every way possible. And not only me, but he exploited my children, my grandchildren. Then just discarded them, discarded them just like he had me so many times. 

A few days after I acted recklessly, I put myself in a bad situation with a stranger, where I really could have gotten hurt. I could have caused my children more pain, more tragedy. Luckily that did not happen, this time, for the first time in a very long time, I listened to my intuition. I let my instincts have control and I removed myself from the situation. It was a few days later that I sat in therapy listening to myself tell the story out loud and it clicked. I’m acting just like I did when I was raped as a child. I was trying to reclaim myself by giving myself away, that somehow it being MY choice gave me back my power. I am an adult woman now, I know that giving myself away does not prove I am in control, that letting a man use me does not prove I have value. 

I am grateful that it only took a few days to discover what was happening, that I didn’t spend months or years creating more chaos. I know I am meant to be more, that this transition did not come into my life for me to travel down the wrong path once again. I am moving on, for myself, for my family and for whatever the future has in store.