I am having a hard day. I’m not sure what is bringing up these feelings today. I want to scream at him, I want to shake him I want him to know what he has done to me! But I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.
I know he would find pleasure in my pain. Amusement in my misery. He is like a poorly behaved child that no one has ever bothered to correct.
He thinks it was I who wronged him. I who abused him. It’s like being in the Twilight Zone. I have a feeling it’s going to feel this way for a long time.
I’m in therapy, I practice breathwork with my wonderful practitioner weekly. I listen to self-help books while I drive and work, read them and complete workbooks in my downtime. I even listen to hypnosis recordings in my sleep!
When I think I’m finally breaking free and starting to enjoy life again I find myself questioning every conversation. Why did they say that? Is that a red flag? Are they disrespecting my boundaries? What do they want from me?
Throughout my life of grief and pain I have remained a kind and loving person. A trusting and optimistic person. How dare he take that from me?!!!
He is not special.
He does not have a superpower. He is such a textbook narcissist it is sad and disappointing. Because I did think he was special, I did allow him to use my mind as a playground for his sick and twisted abuse. I trusted him, even when my gut told me no.
I just wish I understood such a monster as a narcissist existed before I gave him the keys to heart and mind. No one ever warned me about this bogeyman.